Nellie Windmill » dreams

Learning How to Paint: Insecurities and their kryptonite

Katherine — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 20:09:16 +0000

I’m at the stage in the evolution of my art where every painting is a learning exercise. In fact, I suspect even seasoned artists would say as much in a steal-my-thunder kinda way but I think my curve is much steeper. As an artist I’m so green that the new art and artists I’m constantly encountering online result in me frenziedly attempting a different style of painting every week. So far I’ve tried Wabi Sabi, abstract landscapes, steampunk, mixed media, artography, and oil painting. This leaves me feeling kind of exhilarated and somewhat unauthentic at the same time. Most of the time I’ll notice an element of a painting I like and try to replicate it with my limited skill set. If you haven’t already guessed, the above painting was inspired by Kelly Rae Roberts’ trademark patchwork collages and messy brayered backgrounds. Intellectually I know that it’s not copying, it’s imitation as a learning exercise. I remember seeing art students sitting in front of masterpieces at the Louvre and sketching them presumably for the very same reason.

However, I, like many people, have hang-ups when it comes to making art. There’s a little voice in my head that sometimes suggests that if I can’t render bowls of fruit photo-realistically or if I’m not being a wacko who does weird shit with stuff then I’m not really an artist and I certainly shouldn’t have to develop a style. I suspect a lot of people stop making art or never begin for similar insecurities. There are a lot of practical philosophies that hold as true for art making as they do for life that I can fall back on at this point and placate such insecurities. Enjoying the process and not being in a rush to get to the end is a good one. Another one is that nothing worth doing is easy. Both rock solid, clichéd, but rock solid. However, the one thing that gives me an instant dose of concrete certainty that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing is remembering how I felt about art when I wasn’t making it. It hurt to look at beautiful things I didn’t create. They gave me a deep-down emotional ache. They made me feel intensely jealous of the person who created it. A particularly exquisitely sexy piece of eye candy could even make me angry in an upset kind of way. For anyone out there who doesn’t know what to do with their lives, doesn’t know what their passion is, think of the thing that makes you feel like that and go out and do it. I suppose this is kind of the dark side of the “do what excites you” coin – “do what pisses you off because you’re not doing it”. No matter what insecurities come up for me in my art making from here on out, it doesn’t matter, because I wield their kryptonite.

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Compliments & Achievements Memory

Katherine — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 18:19:05 +0000

I seem to have taken a months hiatus from blogging. Not sure how that happened. The last time I blogged about the Creating Dreams Come True e-course I’ve been participating in was almost 2 months ago so for those of you who don’t know, it’s a series of weekly activities, each one a step to achieving your dreams.

I don’t do the activities weekly so I’m not blogging about the latest assignment here. The assignment I’m currently tackling is creating a success tracker. This assignment has serendipitously come at a perfect time for me. I’ve been diligently plodding away at achieving my creative dreams for 3 months now and have recently been lamenting my perceived lack of progress. This assignment gave me the perfect opportunity to switch my perspective around and focus on everything that I have achieved instead of everything that I haven’t . When I consider the achievements in light of the bigger context then they become even more impressive.

For example, I’ve joined Deviant Art. Not something to break out the bubbly for unless I stop to consider that I used to spend hours trawling through that website in admiration of the art I found there when I probably should have been writing some dull lab report for first year psychology. So, now I’m a member of an online community that I used to admire from afar long before I had any notions of making art or selling my art and designs. Definitely something that is worthy of reflection.

Before I began this assignment I’d already created a section in my journal for a “Compliments Memory”. I created this to keep my inner critic in check. She’s a real douche canoe and can get completely out of control sometimes and even took the driver’s seat in my life for a good long while. Her favourite method of sabotage is to dredge up random memories of times when I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, fun enough, pretty enough, blah blah blah (I know: She’s actually quite dull really, so passé). Having said that she can also be quite subtle and passive aggressive – a much more insidious strategy. What she really seems to excel at is erasing all the times I have ever done anything right from my memory.

One method I tried to combat her stealth attacks was to immediately think of an alternate example when I had been good enough, smart enough, etc and so on. An excellent plan I thought. She was way ahead of me. I seemed to have mis-placed all of those moments in life that I should have been cherishing and instead expended all of that energy storing decade-old missteps and slights. The solution was obvious. Given that I can’t trust my memory to be a kind and less biased historian I decided to create an external memory completely impervious to the ravages of time and silly insecurities.

So I’ve combined my “Compliments Memory” with Andrea’s “Success Tracker” and now have a “Compliments & Achievements Memory”. It’s been going very well so far. I hadn’t looked at it in a while and got it out today for this blog post and enjoyed quite a nice ego boost. It seems obvious to say so but if you’re considering making your own I strongly suggest you don’t censor it in any way. For example, I by no means think I’m anything special when it comes to looks but my partner happens to think I’m a bit of alright so I’ve got quite a list of synonyms for sexy beast in there. So, according to my Compliments & Achievements Memory, I am a hot domestic goddess who makes sweet art with a dark twist, is extremely talented, interesting and exciting, gentle and calm, sensitive, caring, passionate and compassionate, friendly and supportive.

Wow, I didn’t know I was that cool.

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This Is My Year List

Katherine — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 22:16:07 +0000

This week’s Creating Dreams Come True assignment is making a “This Is My Life List”. I think my favourite part of this exercise was visualising how I want each area of my life to feel. It forced me to be specific about what I wanted and what I felt was lacking in each area.

A real sticking point I had with this exercise was the life area of “Abundance”. I suspect this is one of those words with a fuzzy definition and wildly varying connotations, depending on who you ask. I’ve never really thought about abundance before so, like a good little Bachelor of Arts graduate, I decided I needed to define it first. My definition (straight out of the dictionary) is: “plentifulness of the good things of life; prosperity”. A great inner tug-of-war ensued between the two opposing values of abundance and simplicity. On the one hand, I don’t really desire “plentifulness” but rather “enough”. On the other hand, I’ve included things on my Big List of Dreams that fall into the abundance category, such as the killer wardrobe I desire. Of course, I have “enough” clothes right now but that doesn’t mean I’m satisfied with what I’ve got. I think in the end I managed to find a harmonious balance between the two. I’m certainly not aiming to live like a monk but the mindless pursuit of more stuff didn’t find it’s way onto my list either.

Life Areas	My Vision	Action Plan
This is my Health	I feel powerful, strong and vibrantly healthy in my body	Buy a bike and ride instead of drive and go on lots of scenic bike rides throughout our travels
These are my Relationships	I feel that I have found my community and made new friends who are kindred spirits. I feel I have people with whom I can share the things that excite me. I feel that all of the important relationships in my life are nourished, nourishing and that I am completely present in them.	Be an active member of the online artistic community
This is my Abundance/Simplicity	I feel that I do not own anything that is not useful, beautiful or sentimental. I know I have everything I need. I understand that everything else is abundance.	Create a ritual of slowing down and being aware and appreciative of the abundance in my life
This is my Creativity/Purpose	I feel amazed with the kind of art that I am producing. I feel proud of how much I’ve learnt and excited about continuing to develop my skills, technique and style. I feel wildly successful in my online creative business endeavours.	I have an entire action plan for this one! I’ll spare you the details, but suffice to say that a few of the broad strokes are: regular, scheduled art days participation in online courses opening various online stores to sell my collage papers, prints of my paintings and digitally altered photographs, and my designs on various products regular, scheduled art business days
This is how I practise Self-Love/Self-Care	I feel compassion, acceptance and forgiveness for my younger self and the mistakes she made. I feel that I have a deep level of self awareness and that I am always authentic.	Keep an art journal and use it proactively, not just to rant when things are a bit shit
This is how I experience Adventure	I feel exhilarated by the places we are going, the things we are doing and the people we are meeting. I feel that our travels are in the spirit of this quote: “the world is like a book, and those who do not travel read only one page”. I accept my share of challenges that come hand in hand with adventure rather than be brought down by them.	Write blog articles on the challenges and disappointments we come up against during our travels to encourage more reflection

You probably noticed that I only have one task for each life area (with the exception of the Creativity area which has a whole action plan). I’m going with the principle that “lack of time is actually lack of priorities”, and have just gone with one task that I think will make a big impact in that area of my life. Once I’ve achieved them I’ll add more but for now I’m keeping it simple.

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The List of Dreams Come True

Katherine — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 12:53:27 +0000

I’m participating in Andrea Schroeder’s online group called “Creating Dreams Come True”. For me, Andrea’s blog is one of those blogs I feel a connection with each time I visit, so participating in an online group of her design is fairly exciting. Last week, our assignment was to begin a Big list of Big dreams. This week, we’re making a list of dreams that have come true. To quote from Andrea, “this list helps to deepen our belief that dreams come true, and strengthen our faith in ourselves as the creators of dreams come true… part of what this list does is re-frame your self concept to see that you are already a success! When you feel like a success, you tend to create more successes”. A pretty solid theory, me thinks. I must admit, I feel a bit sheepish about writing this list. Will it be disappointingly unimpressive, or maybe I’ll feel like I’m gloating, or will it make me reflect on everything that I Didn’t excel at? Well, I guess we’ll find out…

Found my soul mate. Fell in love and stayed in love. Made a life together.
Went to university. I dreamt of this before I even knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I just knew I wanted to go to uni, to live on campus, to go to lectures, and to learn important, interesting things.
Got a social work degree. When I did figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up, it was a social worker.
I ended up getting a Bachelor of Arts degree along the way too.
I got the grades in high school to get into the degree I wanted.
I got the grades in my BA and the work experience I needed to get into the most prestigious university in Australia to study social work (rather ironic really, going to a prestigious university to study how to address social disadvantage).
Moved to Melbourne. I grew up in the country and dreamt of living in the city. I actually dreamt about living in Sydney but thankfully I grew out of that and I’m very glad I didn’t move to Sydney (because then I wouldn’t have achieved my number 1 dream come true).
Making art I love. I love the art I’m making at the moment and I love making it. I’m in the midst of opening an online shop to sell the collage papers I’ve designed, my paintings and my digitally altered photographs.
Begin painting. Very intimidating and scary and there were a couple of false starts. I finally managed this hurdle with the help of Taking Flight by Kelly Rae Roberts – another social worker turned artist.
Turned my doodles into finished paintings. Actually finishing a piece was a challenge. I’ve always doodled but this is the first time in my life I’m following through and completing them.
Travelling the world. For as long as I can remember I’ve dreamt of traveling. My partner and I have bought a motorhome and are traveling Europe and North Africa.
Saved enough to travel the world
Got enough house sitting jobs to save on rent to travel the world
Organised and followed through with all the details of moving overseas
Found the perfect motorhome for us, within our budget, from a trusted dealer
Learnt how to live in a motorhome
Travelled Ireland
Went to Paris, twice
Went to Queensland. For Aussie kids (or at least the ones I grew up with) Queensland is THE place to go for the holidays. I finally got my wish when I went with my partner and got to swim in pristine rivers and walk through lush rain forests.
Drove through the English countryside
Experienced spectacular natural beauty on our travels
No longer have to worry about money. There was a time in my life when I had to ask a friend for money for a bus ticket, when I only had one set of work clothes because I couldn’t afford to buy another, when I burst out in tears after an emergency trip to the dentist’s because I’d just spent my entire fortnight’s budget and didn’t know how I was going to eat. Now I’m in a place where, even if I lost all my savings I’m confident I could get a well paid job and survive.
Got a social work job working with refugees. I originally went into social work wanting to work in the mental health field. After volunteering at the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre I came away not wanting to work in any other field.
Learnt guitar. In high school I really wanted to be able to play an instrument. I took guitar lessons and ended up giving the lessons after a year.
Made contact with my birth mother. This didn’t go too well. I definitely wasn’t ready but I didn’t know that at the time and at least I tried.
Exercised my way to a bikini body. I only lasted a few months at the gym but it was just enough so I didn’t shame myself in my string bikini on the beaches of Southern Thailand.
Learnt how to cook (thanks to my partner for showing me how)
Learnt how to use photoshop to digitally alter photographs
Learnt how to hold a conversation with someone I don’t know without debilitating levels of anxiety
Am happy with my body
Got my driver’s license. I still can’t drive to save my life but I have a driver’s license… I test well.
Developed a healthier level of self respect
Made friends
Volunteered as a caseworker at the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre once a week for a year and a half
Leading a life that feels true to myself
Let go of caustic friendships
Overcame my arachnaphobia (ok, that one’s a stretch)
Making connections with other artistically inclined peeps on the interwebs
Attended an art class
Doing an online photoshop course with DJ Pettitt
Attended a professional development course in Belfast, Northern Ireland
Travelled through Italy with friends
Learnt how to use a computer and type (unlike the rest of my generation I didn’t grow up with a computer in the household)
Finding my own style in my artwork
Survived year 12 Japanese, despite my utter neglect of the subject throughout high school
Started a blog
Putting my art work online for people to see
Starting a creative business

On reflection, it was a bit of an uncomfortable list to make. It meant re-visiting times in my life when things weren’t so good in order to remember what I dreamed of at those times. However, doing this I realised that I do have a lot of those things now. It feels good to be able to look back and know how I felt then about the dreams come true, how they felt so impossible or far away and out of reach and yet here I am living them. Sometimes I spend so much time feeling regret or guilt about the past that it’s a welcome shift of perspective to solely think about the things I did right. It’s definitely a more constructive frame of mind given that “when you feel like a success, you tend to create more successes”.

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