Nellie Windmill

I’m at the stage in the evolution of my art where every painting is a learning exercise. In fact, I suspect even seasoned artists would say as much in a steal-my-thunder kinda way but I think my curve is much steeper. As an artist I’m so green that the new art and artists I’m constantly encountering online result in me frenziedly attempting a different style of painting every week. So far I’ve tried Wabi Sabi, abstract landscapes, steampunk, mixed media, artography, and oil painting. This leaves me feeling kind of exhilarated and somewhat unauthentic at the same time. Most of the time I’ll notice an element of a painting I like and try to replicate it with my limited skill set. If you haven’t already guessed, the above painting was inspired by Kelly Rae Roberts’ trademark patchwork collages and messy brayered backgrounds. Intellectually I know that it’s not copying, it’s imitation as a learning exercise. I remember seeing art students sitting in front of masterpieces at the Louvre and sketching them presumably for the very same reason.

However, I, like many people, have hang-ups when it comes to making art. There’s a little voice in my head that sometimes suggests that if I can’t render bowls of fruit photo-realistically or if I’m not being a wacko who does weird shit with stuff then I’m not really an artist and I certainly shouldn’t have to develop a style. I suspect a lot of people stop making art or never begin for similar insecurities. There are a lot of practical philosophies that hold as true for art making as they do for life that I can fall back on at this point and placate such insecurities. Enjoying the process and not being in a rush to get to the end is a good one. Another one is that nothing worth doing is easy. Both rock solid, clichéd, but rock solid. However, the one thing that gives me an instant dose of concrete certainty that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing is remembering how I felt about art when I wasn’t making it. It hurt to look at beautiful things I didn’t create. They gave me a deep-down emotional ache. They made me feel intensely jealous of the person who created it. A particularly exquisitely sexy piece of eye candy could even make me angry in an upset kind of way. For anyone out there who doesn’t know what to do with their lives, doesn’t know what their passion is, think of the thing that makes you feel like that and go out and do it. I suppose this is kind of the dark side of the “do what excites you” coin – “do what pisses you off because you’re not doing it”. No matter what insecurities come up for me in my art making from here on out, it doesn’t matter, because I wield their kryptonite.

I seem to have taken a months hiatus from blogging. Not sure how that happened. The last time I blogged about the Creating Dreams Come True e-course I’ve been participating in was almost 2 months ago so for those of you who don’t know, it’s a series of weekly activities, each one a step to achieving your dreams.

I don’t do the activities weekly so I’m not blogging about the latest assignment here. The assignment I’m currently tackling is creating a success tracker. This assignment has serendipitously come at a perfect time for me. I’ve been diligently plodding away at achieving my creative dreams for 3 months now and have recently been lamenting my perceived lack of progress. This assignment gave me the perfect opportunity to switch my perspective around and focus on everything that I have achieved instead of everything that I haven’t . When I consider the achievements in light of the bigger context then they become even more impressive.

For example, I’ve joined Deviant Art. Not something to break out the bubbly for unless I stop to consider that I used to spend hours trawling through that website in admiration of the art I found there when I probably should have been writing some dull lab report for first year psychology. So, now I’m a member of an online community that I used to admire from afar long before I had any notions of making art or selling my art and designs. Definitely something that is worthy of reflection.

Before I began this assignment I’d already created a section in my journal for a “Compliments Memory”. I created this to keep my inner critic in check. She’s a real douche canoe and can get completely out of control sometimes and even took the driver’s seat in my life for a good long while. Her favourite method of sabotage is to dredge up random memories of times when I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, fun enough, pretty enough, blah blah blah (I know: She’s actually quite dull really, so passé). Having said that she can also be quite subtle and passive aggressive – a much more insidious strategy. What she really seems to excel at is erasing all the times I have ever done anything right from my memory.

One method I tried to combat her stealth attacks was to immediately think of an alternate example when I had been good enough, smart enough, etc and so on. An excellent plan I thought. She was way ahead of me. I seemed to have mis-placed all of those moments in life that I should have been cherishing and instead expended all of that energy storing decade-old missteps and slights. The solution was obvious. Given that I can’t trust my memory to be a kind and less biased historian I decided to create an external memory completely impervious to the ravages of time and silly insecurities.

So I’ve combined my “Compliments Memory” with Andrea’s “Success Tracker” and now have a “Compliments & Achievements Memory”. It’s been going very well so far. I hadn’t looked at it in a while and got it out today for this blog post and enjoyed quite a nice ego boost. It seems obvious to say so but if you’re considering making your own I strongly suggest you don’t censor it in any way. For example, I by no means think I’m anything special when it comes to looks but my partner happens to think I’m a bit of alright so I’ve got quite a list of synonyms for sexy beast in there. So, according to my Compliments & Achievements Memory, I am a hot domestic goddess who makes sweet art with a dark twist, is extremely talented, interesting and exciting, gentle and calm, sensitive, caring, passionate and compassionate, friendly and supportive.

Wow, I didn’t know I was that cool.